


Illusion, it's like I'm dreaming

by Jaemins_smile



Series: It's okay to be hurt [2]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Crying, Depression, Eating Disorders, Face Punching, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, M/M, Mingi & San are best friends, Past Abuse, San deserves better :(, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:26:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22719883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaemins_smile/pseuds/Jaemins_smile
Summary: He never thought that the man he loved would ever use his mental problems as an insult.Never thought the man he loved would get mad at him for something that was plaquing his thoughts and upsetting him.Maybe Wooyoung wasn't all he needed to be happy, maybe Wooyoung was one of the things hurting him.
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Series: It's okay to be hurt [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1608328
Comments: 6
Kudos: 49





	Illusion, it's like I'm dreaming

**Author's Note:**

> If you are new here please go read Hala Hala before proceeding any further! 
> 
> Alright, trigger warning, attempted suicide near the end of the fic, read at your own risk. 
> 
> I've warned you of the events in this fic and I will not be held accountable for your mistake of reading it.
> 
> I apologize in advance for this being extremely short, I'll try to make part three much longer than this one and the first one.

San was getting better, slowly, very slowly. He had started being more open about his feelings and was finding new ways to cope with things.

Wooyoung had been a big help. He would listen to San, really listen. He would give him advice when asked for it. He would always be there when San was at his worst.

His friends were also great help as well. They all had classes with him and would always be there to talk to. They would cheer him up when he needed it and would just treat him like a normal human being that wasn't messed up.

He was so happy with himself and with life, he really thought things were looking up for him. He didn't get to confident with that thought in fear of jinxing himself like he always did.

He had a few breakdowns and made some impulsive decisions, like getting a neck tattoo, piercing his tongue and lip, dying his hair black.

They all had their consequences and they weren't ever good but hey, you only live once.

That's how San started to look at life, he only had one shot at this so he had to live it to the fullest, he didn't have time to be sad and struggle with an eating disorder, he wanted more time for making impulsive decisions, doing dumb things, going on adventures, getting drunk and getting high, making his mark in the world.

There wasn't a lot of time in life so he needed to put that time to use on the good things in life, not the bad ones.

Sure he had been through things that made him the way he was but he had to put them aside and forget about them, right?

If he dwelled to much on the things that happened to him in the past he would miss all the things that were happening in the present and the things that could happen in the future.

He needed to learn to accept what happened to him and move on, he was trying his best to do just that, it was hard he wasn't going to act like it wasn't.

San was laying down in bed with his hands folded on his chest, staring up at the ceiling as he tried to recount the days events.

"San baby, how are you feeling?" Wooyoung asked as he laid down next to San, rubbing his belly gently.

"I'm feeling alright I guess, I don't really know if I'm being honest." He replied softly. He brought his hands up to his face and rubbed his eyes, suddenly feeling like crying.

"Come here baby, talk to me, yeah?" He pulled San on top of himself and immediately threaded his fingers through the olders hair.

"I've been thinking a lot about how I can never really know if the people that say they love me really mean it, it's all I've been able to think about recently and it's gotten so bad that I don't even remember what happened today."

"Like what if when someone tells me that they care about me and love me they really don't and on the inside they have nothing but hate for me, it scares me to death cause I'll never truly know." He spoke quietly, his voice shaking as he tried not to cry.

He felt Wooyoung tense underneath him, it scared him a little (read; a lot)

"Don't think about that San, you can't let it bother you, you just have to have faith that the people in your life are telling you the truth and that they really care about you." He said a bit annoyed.

That confused San, so much so he had to move away from Wooyoung. "Why do you sound annoyed?" He asked cautiously.

"Because it's stupid you would think about that. Why would you in the first place?" Wooyoung sat up now, glaring at San.

"I don't know! Don't be mad at me, you're the one that asked!" He yelled at the younger. He was slightly hurt that Wooyoung was angry at him for being insecure about his relationships.

"How am I not soupposed to get mad!? You just told me that you doubt when people say they love and care about you! That includes me, San! Do you doubt that I love you?" Wooyoung stood from the bed, fists clenched at his sides.

San felt tears well in his eyes once again, "No I don't Wooyoung."

"Oh, now you're going to lie to me? What the hell is wrong with you San? I've been here since high school, I've loved you since then, and now you're going to seriously tell me that you don't believe it?" The room was silent for a beat to long for Wooyoung's liking and he spoke up again.

"Just tell me Choi San, do you think I'm lying when I tell you that I love you? Do you think this is all some joke!?" He yelled at San, making the older flinch.

"I never said that! You're twisting my words! This had nothing to do with you and now you're making it seem like it is. If you were just going to be mean to me you shouldn't have asked!" San stood up from the bed, standing on the opposite side of Wooyoung.

"This does have to do with me San, don't act like it doesn't! Maybe if you didn't want me to be mean you shouldn't have been thinking like that, you're stupid for thinking that! You're stupid for thinking the way you do, you're stupid for doubting me. You're so fucked in the head it makes you so fucking stupid! God, why can't you be normal for five Fucking seconds!?" Wooyoung yelled at the top of his lungs. Instantly regretting every word.

The look on San's face made Wooyoung want to beat himself up, he fucked up really bad this time.

"San-"

"Shut up! Leave me alone!" San scream, the look in his eyes broke Wooyoung's heart. They were filled with pain, betrayal, anger, sadness. Tears were streaming down his face.

"Baby, I'm s-" He was cut off once again, this time for a whole other reason. San had thrown a book at him.

"I said leave me alone!!" He scream louder this time, throwing another book at him. He looked so betrayed, Wooyoung couldn't bear to look at him.

"San please." He said softly.

"No! You don't deserve my attention you fake fucking bitch. Fuck. Off." San picked up his entire backpack and threw it as hard as he could at Wooyoung,and then sprinted out of the room.

"Choi San!" Wooyoung called as he ran out of the room after his boyfriend. He was already unlocking the door when Wooyoung reached him.

"Listen to me! I didn't mean that!" Wooyoung plead, earning a nasty glare.

San pushed him away hard, a fresh batch of tears in his eyes, "Is that why you tensed when I brought that up Wooyoung? Because you didn't actually fucking love me? Was this all really some sick joke?" San asked, his pain and betrayal showing in his voice.

"Did you really love me Wooyoung?" He asked, choking on a sob. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve and took a deep breath, trying to recompose himself.

"San, of course I love you." Wooyoung moved closer to San, reaching a hand out to him.

He smacked it away and glared again, "Fuck. Off." He hissed and stepped out of the apartment, slamming the door behind himself.

He bolted out of the building, not entirely sure of where he was going. All he knew was that he needed to leave.

He ran fir so long he had no idea where he was. He didn't have his phone with him so he couldn't contact any of his friends or figure out where he was.

He stood in the middle of the sidewalk, people shoving past him in annoyance. He could care less though, he needed to process what just happened.

He taped his fingers against his lips, trying to process what Wooyoung had just said to him. He bit his finger tips as he tried to think of something else Wooyoung could have said but he was drawing a blank.

He never in a million years would have thought that Wooyoung, the person he trusted most, would use the fact he was messed up in the head as an insult.

Wooyoung knew about everything he's been through and should've known it was a very sensitive subject, especially when it came to his mental stability.

He felt so betrayed by Wooyoung. He trusted him with everything only to be betrayed in the end.

He took in a deep breath and wrapped his arms around himself to fight the cold. He was in no way dressed appropriately for this kind of weather.

He had left the apartment in such a hurry he had forgotten his jacket and his phone.

He was freezing, unstable, it was dark out, and he ad no idea where he was, he was screwed.

He bit his lip and walked to the nearest shop, breathing a sigh of relief when the warmth of the shop hit him.

He was welcomed by the clerk, who eyed him suspiciously. He didn't blame them, he looked like a mess.

His eyes were bloodshot, tear tracks marked his cheeks, his hair was a mess, and he looked frozen. He was a wreck.

"Uh, excuse me. Do you have a phone I can use?" He asked as quietly as possible. His voice was hoarse from crying.

The clerk nodded and handed him a phone. He dialed the first number that popped in his head.

"Hello?"

"Seonghwa hyung? Can you pick me up please?" He asked, breaking out into fresh sobs

"San!? Why are you crying? Hold on I'm coming, where are you?" Seonghwa's voice sounded panicked, and fearful but at the same time reassuring and calm.

He gave Seonghwa the name of the shop and then hung up, he handed the phone back to the alarmed clerk.

"Are you okay?" She asked softly.

San nodded his head but then shook it, "Yes and no, I'll be fine don't worry." He said as he aggressively wipped away his tears.

She nodded slightly.

San walked out of the shop and stood on the curb, waiting for Seonghwa's car to come into view.

Seonghwa's car came speeding into view, a frantic looking Hongjoong at his side. By then San was shivering and bawling his eyes out.

They both jumped out of the car and were at San's side, "Honey what's going on?" Hongjoong asked sweetly as he pulled him towards the car.

He didn't receive a response from the younger, he only continued to sob.

They drove back to Seonghwa's apartment silently, Hongjoong had somehow managed to get San to stop crying and eased a few words out of him.

Once inside Hongjoong sent San to the bedroom to sleep and pulled Seonghwa into the kitchen to talk.

"What'd he tell you?"

"He said him and Wooyoung got into a fight and that he didn't love him. He said that Wooyoung was being really mean and said something hurtful, he wouldn't say what though." Hongjoong bit his lip as soon as the words came out.

Seonghwa's expression changed immediately, "Whatever he said had to have been bad, bad enough to put San into this headspace." He glanced at the bedroom where he could see San laying on the bed.

"Should we go talk to him?"

"Not yet, we need to stay with San right now, I don't want him to fall back into old habits, especially not after everything he's done to get better." Hongjoong said quietly.

The next day Hongjoong called Mingi over to accompany San while him and Seonghwa went to talk to Wooyoung.

When they arrived at his apartment, he answered almost immediately, looking disheveled, like he didn't sleep last night.

"Have you seen San? I was out all night looking for him, he left his phone here, I don't know where he is, I'm so worried about him Hyungs." Wooyoung said, breaking down in tears.

"Hey, calm down, San is safe and with Mingi. We need to talk though Wooyoung."

He nodded and let them inside, sitting In the chair across from the couch, waiting expectantly for one of them to speak.

"San called Seonghwa last night crying, he was a mess Wooyoung. He said you were being mean and said something hurtful. Wooyoung, what exactly did you say to San?" Hongjoong asked, sounding more angry that he intended.

He nodded, "I was, I was being so mean to him for no reason. He was telling me about something that was bothering him like he usually does and I got upset over it and I called him stupid and said he was fucked in the head." He said, choking back a sob.

The two oldest men stared at him in disbelief. Out of everything that he could've done, they never would've expected that to be it.

"I-i.. I asked him why he couldn't he normal for five seconds. Oh God, I messed up so bad." He sobbed into his hands.

It was obvious that Wooyoung felt bad about what he had done, it didn't excuse what he said or how he treated San.

It didn't excuse what he said to San, especially not when he was in such a fragile mental state.

"Wooyoung, you absolute idiot." Seonghwa sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He didn't even know what he was soupposed to say to him.

"I am an idiot."

"Why are you so clingy today San?" Mingi whined as the older hugged him tight.

"'m sad." He pouted and buried his face in the youngers neck.

He really just needed any form of physical contact, it grounded him, it made him feel safe, happy, wanted. It kept him stable when he was in his darkest moments.

"What happened Hyung? Did something happen with Wooyoung?" He asked to which he received a nod.

"He called me stupid and told me I was fucked in the head, he was being really mean for no reason!"

"Aw I'm sorry Sanie, maybe you should talk to him?" He pet Sans head and hgged him tight.

"I don't want to talk to him, I shouldn't be the one to go to him. He should come here and talk to me. He was awful to me, made me cry, made me feel like absolute shit, made me want to resort back to my old ways. I'm not talking to him, he can talk to me." He pouted even more once finished speaking.

That explained why Hongjoong basically forced him to come over, he didn't want San to be alone.

It took Wooyoung exactly one week to finally have the balls to approach San and try talking to him.

It was too late then.

San had already spiralled out of control, he wasn't sure if anything could help this time around.

His hands wouldn't stop shaking as Wooyoung approached him as he was walking across campus to go back to Hongjoong and Seonghwa's dorm.

He took a step backwards as the younger kept getting closer. His throat was dry and his eyes wet with tears.

He felt his anxiety spike as the man that caused him so much pain in the last week came closer to him. The man that made him fall into old habits.

He faintly registered his breathing picking up speed rapidly as the seconds ticked by, his heartbeat was loud in his ears.

He felt hands on him and he reacted before he could think.

"San-" As soon as the younger spoke San's fist was connecting to Wooyoung's cheek, successfully getting him away.

"D-don't f-fucking touch me!" He hissed and sped off, the shaking in his hands had now spread to his entire body.

He felt a familiar twisting in his stomach and began to run to the dorm, he could feel the bile rising in his throat as he struggled to unlock the front door.

He wasn't exactly sure if he shut the front door, all he cared about was getting to the bathroom to throw up.

He spilt his guys into the toilet, bawling afterwards.

Is this what his life had fallen to again? Throwing up the non-existent substances in his stomach? Avoiding all of his problems? Cutting to feel better?

He hadn't eaten in a week, all that came from his stomach was bile that burned his throat badly.

"Fuck! Why can't I be normal!?" San sobbed into his hands. Wooyoung was right to ask that, though he didn't have an answer.

"Why do I have to be this way!?" San yelled in question to no one particular, maybe he was asking himself, maybe he was asking the Gods, he wasn't exactly sure.

Though San had no answer for why he was messed up in the head, Wooyoung did. He knew exactly why San was this way.

He was abused his whole life, physically, emotionally, verbally. He had put up with the abuse and smiled even when he was hurting.

He always had.

He had been hurt in many ways by many people, his parents, his siblings, his ex, random people.

But never once did he show any sign that he was hurting or that he was dealing with anything that would not normally happen to a child.

Wooyoung had witnessed it first hand and knew exactly what San dealt with in his day to day life.

And that was the reason San was messed up.

San breathed heavily, crying hard as he clenched the blade in his hand. He seen no other way to escape his pain than this.

He could see no other way out of this hell than to kill himself.

He just wanted to feel free from the demons in his mind.

He wanted to finally be free of his past, his present, even his future. Despite not knowing what his future held he wanted to end it before he could find out.

Sure, he might regret it after it was done but in this moment he couldn't care less about that, he just wanted it to be over, he wanted all of his pain to end.

He closed his eyes, an unwanted memory filling his thoughts.

_"Fucking bitch!" The man scream in San's face so loud, it made him freeze up. He could see from his peripheral that Wooyoung flinched at it's volume._

_In seconds a punch was landed on the side of his face so hard it sent him falling to the ground, he smacked his head hard on the stairs, passing out right away._

Right as he pressed the blade down against his skin the bathroom door was flung open, unveiling Wooyoung, Hongjoong and Seonghwa.

He stared at them all blankly, not even fazed by their presences.

He just stared, blade still pressed against his wrist, unmoving as if he was waiting for them to leave.

"Baby." Wooyoung said softly as he slowly walked to San, gently removing the blade from his hand.

He looked down at his wrist, heart stopping when he seen the small bead of blood that had formed where the blade was once poised.

"Oh my God." He whispered, his voice gave away just how absolutely horrified he was by the sight.

He was used to seeing blood coming from his skin but this was different in a way, maybe it was cause he was about to end his life.

"I'm sorry." He sobbed out finally, he clutched his arm to his chest and cried.

"I'm so sorry."

"Its okay, it's okay, just calm down baby." Wooyoung hugged the older to his chest and ran a hand through his hair like he knew San liked. The older buried his face in Wooyoung's chest and continued letting the tears spill from his eyes.

"You're okay San baby. You're okay." He hushed the crying boy in his arms, gently rocking them back and forth.

"I'm sorry Wooyoung, don't ever leave me again please. I'll never doubt you again I promise." He sobbed loudly, it was muffled a bit by the fabric of Wooyoung's jacket.

He motioned for the oldest men to leave and then focused back in San.

He pushed him back a little bit and grabbed his face, "Don't you dare apologize San, you did nothing wrong, understand? It was all me, I overreacted and took it out on you for no reason and for that I'm so sorry." He kissed his cheeks, forehead, nose, any part of his face that he could.

"I never should've said those things to you, I know how wrong it was. I know what happened to you and I still did it, I'm so sorry San." He hugged him tightly again rubbing his back comfortingly.

"It's okay." San whispered and hugged Wooyoung back.

This is what his body had been craving this whole time, his body craved Wooyoung. His warm hugs, his gentle touches, his sweet kisses, his kind gazes.

"I love you Wooyoung." He sniffled and kissed the youngers cheek softly, just barely grazing his lips across the soft skin.

"I love you too baby. I love you so much, I'm never gonna hurt you again, I promise." Wooyoung whispered back, kissing the side of San's head.

It might not have been the best idea for San to forgive Wooyoung so fast, or to let him back in his life.

Did he care though? No.

He would suffer the consequences later, right now he just wanted to bask in his boyfriends warmth.

**Author's Note:**

> Uh yeah... Kinda self projected again, sorry not sorry. 
> 
> But yeah, I've decided to continue making more parts for this series. And please keep in mind that i do take requests so if there is anything that you would like to see in the next part that you think could give it that extra flare, please let me know. 
> 
> If you have any complaints/criticisms or just want to talk come yell at me on Twitter! [Twitter](https://twitter.com/jaemins_smile/)
> 
> Also, happy Valentines day everyone!! I'm going to be spending the rest of the day with my best friend's, I hope you all have a great day!
> 
> Again, a big thanks to my beta reader, they're absolutely amazing and if it weren't for them this fic probably wouldn't be out for another week. Go check then out! You can find them at RaspberryNCTea


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